Music

Cows Band

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In early 1987, a simple blob of matter exploded for reasons still unknown. Under the gravitational pull of an unjust society, this rapidly expanding mass quickly coalesced into four colossal spheres which started to contract under their own weight. This set off a process called “fusion”, thus casting a blinding light into the dark and empty musical void. And this new conceptual galaxy was called “Cows”, and it was good.

Six-stringer Thor “Honey-Hose” Eisentrager scrapes an incredibly vast knowledge of his instrument from beneath his jagged nails into a shit-stained pair of jockeys, squeezing with all of his considerable might until a fine, clear, but pungent broth fills your bowl. But be very careful, for it is exceptionally hot.

Photo of band Kevin “Noodle-Rockets” Rutmanis plucks his Four Strings of the Apocalypse–drive shaft of the Rapture–carting the holy to their just desserts whilst imbuing the remaining sinners with the “Freckles of the Beast”. Truly, he is the lifeguard at the Lake of Fire.

Freddie “The Face” Votel churns away with more bits of wood and plastic and steel, creating the butter which lubricates the Cows’ delicate yet incredibly powerful machine, all the while melting female hearts everywhere; so fattening, so necessary.

Sports entertainer Shannon “Sad-Pants” Selberg, subsisting for years on nothing but a heart-clogging diet of knuckle sandwiches washed down with ice-cold despair, has nevertheless (through the miracles of modern science) managed to become a leading contender for every belt the federation has to offer.

–Shannon Selberg
Discography

Taint Pluribus, Taint Unum LP (1987)
“Chow” 7″ (1988)
“Almost A God” Dope-Guns, Vol. 3 (1988)
Daddy Has A Tail LP (1989)
Effete And Impudent Snobs LP (1990)
“Slapback” 7 ” (1990)
Peacetika LP (1991)
‘Woman Inside” 7″ (Insipid, Aus) (1992)
Cunning Stunts LP (1992)
“My Girl” on Sub Pop dbl 7″ comp (1992)
“Plowed” 7″/CD5 (1992)
Sexy Pee Story LP (1993)
“Cow Island” 7″ (April, 1994)
Orphan’s Tragedy LP (August, 1994)
“Sieve” (acoustic) on REV105 benefit CD (1995)
“Pictorial” on PORN #4 split 7″ (1995)
“4 Things” on split 7″ (Pandemonium Records, France) (1995)
Whorn LP/CD (Amphetamine Reptile) 1996